Helpless

I grab my Bibile and purse, and head out the door on Wednesday night. I was meeting up with my family at Johnny Carinos for a nice dinner before church. The whole drive in I couldn't wait to see my wonderful husband, and give him a kiss. I just love their bread dipped in the olive oil, but made myself eat only a little, and started my meal with a sald.

That is when it happened. Right in the middle of dinner I started to feel a trickle run down my stomach and onto my leg. I looked over at my husband and said, "I need help...FAST!". I stood up and started to quickly make my way to the bathroom. David snatched my purse and followed behind me as I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in the stall. My skirt was the first thing to come off, then my shoes, and then my underwear. I just stood there for a while and looked down at myself. All I could do was start crying. I felt so extremely helpless it scared me. The plastic seam of my ileostomy had somehow torn, and....well, lets just say it was gross and I felt miserable! I had nothing but toilet paper to help me out. My mother-in-law got me one of the restaurants cloth napkins, and I cleaned up just enough to make a quick exit out the side door, and into the car David had pulled around for me. As soon as he closed my door I started sobbing....it was the worst feeling in the world! He drove very fast and crazy to get me to my moms house (the closest place) where I was able to get into the shower and clean off good. We had a back-up kit in the car with all the stuff to change my ileostomy, so it all worked out ok in the end. Even after I was cleaned up and ok I still found myself with tears running down my face. It was a terrible night, and one I hope to never repeat!

One Day at a Time...

I do remember in my last blog update that I promised a picture. Here is a recent one of me and my wonderful husband at a wedding we attended on the 24th of October....which also happened to be the day of his 26th birthday. He does look rather handsome if I do say so myself! :)

The past week and a half has went by in a kind of blurr. It has been a time of testing my strength, pushing myselff to do more than I probably would have just being at home. Overall, my efforts have been for the good. There were some days that I pushed myself a little too much, and paid for it the next, but in the case of doing it over I wouldn't change any of it. I was able to go to my second cousin's rehersal dinner, and wedding. It was so good to see and talk to everyone from my dads side of the family. At the time I was still quite weak, and didn't have much stamina to stand long or walk far. I refused at the beginning of the night to use the whealchair, but halfway through the night and only making it halfway down a long path I gave up. The rest of the night I stayed sitting down in the whealchair, and watching all the excitment go on all around me. I wanted so bad to just get up and be strong and healthy like so many there. It will definately be a night to remember, but it did take all my strength from me.

The very next day started our churchs' anual Mission's Conferrence. Growing up, this week was always one of the highlights of the year. As a teenager, and in college we were always right in the center of doing the decorating, being in singing groups and chiors, and helping with plays. For anyone, this week would put its tole on you, but it was always worth it. It was very hard for me this year not to be involved in anything that took place for the Missions Conference. Last Year we kept a wonderful family to Brazil in our home with us, and just fell in love with them and their field! I remember telling David way back in the summer to remember to talk to someone early about keeping another family at the Missions Conference for this year. Not only could we not keep anyone, but I couldn't take part in singing, much less attend every night. I pushed myself to go as much as I could, and only missed 2 nights. It is such a testimony to see so many families with their hearts wholy surrendered to God. The Lord really helped me to see how my life (albeit an unhealthy one) can affect so many others around me, and that through it all I can touch lives only I would every know. How true it is that I must keep strong in the Lord no matter how down I get at times. Down isn't really a very good adjective to use either. Throughout everything I've come through I have faced some pretty serious times of depression! There have been days and nights I lay weeping into my pillow....evenings full of pain and hurt both physically and emotionally. Down is just a nice way of saying that I struggle everyday with keeping my mind and heart set on the Lord, and that in the end there is a perpose in it all.

Last week I had my first post-op visit to my doctor. I didn't recieve the best news ever. He wants me to wait at least 6 months before I have my second surgery instead of the suspected 3 month wait. Along with that, he talked to me about the possibilities still that I might have Crohns. When I was in the hospital they did a tissue test to see whether or not I had the disease in my small intestine. It came back negative, and we've been thankful about that ever since. My doctor told me that he wasn't convinced with just that one test. He has had over 30 years plus of experience doing these surgeries, and he said that the way it looked and felt to him while he was in there just set a red alarm to him that it was Crohns. He has ordered more detailed testing to be done before he will be convinced of it, and give me the ok to go on to the next surgery. Please pray hard with me that the results remain negative. Keeping my ileostomy for life isn't something I want to have to get used to.

In just the past two weeks my strength has increased alot. I can feel my back and stomach muscles getting stronger everyday. I have been trying to stretch the muscles in my stomach, and fill my lungs full of air. Ever since the surgery, my lungs haven't been at full compacity. At first it was hard to breathe, and hard to talk. Slowly it has gotten better and better, but it still hurts to yawn deep and cough. The stretching has helped to open it all back up. My membership at 24HR fitness has been frozen, and we just unfroze it so I can start working out and getting all the muscles in my body strong and ready for surgery #2.

This past week I started having problems with my stoma. My stoma has been shrinking so the seal from the ileostomy hasn't been holding strong. Because of this all the skin around my stoma is very irritated and beginning to become infected. I have called my doctor, and will be going to see my stoma nurse soon. I hope she can help because it is very painful!

My thanks and love goes out to everyone of you!