Four weeks out...

I know that this post has been long in coming! Believe it or not about a week ago I sat down and typed about half of a blog update and then lost internet and lost everything Id written. And after that I couldn't make myself sit back down and type it all back. So here I am :)

Its been 4 weeks since my surgery. I am physically doing very well! I am getting around good, and feel stronger pretty much every day. I had a walker to help me around the house for the first 2 - 2 1/2 weeks, and whenever I would go out I would use a wheelchair or a riding cart to get around since I didnt have much strength or stamina on my feet. I made myself start building strength by getting around my house without any help first. At first it took me a while to walk anywhere, but after time (and lots of pain meds) I am free of all help. When Im out I dont use anything. I do get tired alot faster, but thats ok. I think pushing myself sometimes is good.

My grandma has been with me for the past 3 weeks and it has been such a blessing to have her here helping us! I don't know what shape me or my house would be in if it wasnt for her! I am back to being all alone though since she went home yesturday. Its up to me now! :)

Although everything sounds great up till now, Its really not. I am having some other problems that have set me back alot! I currently have a loop-end stoma which very different from the end stoma I had for the first 6 months. For those of you who really dont understand the difference it would be a waste of my time to try and explain it to you on here. Loop-ends are often much more problematic than simple ends, and...well I am having ever problem in the book with mine. Essentially mine ended up healing upside down. Instead of the bowel opening to be on the top where it can flow overtop the stoma, my opening in underneath, and the stoma is pushing the bowels straight down and onto my skin. Because of this it has been a nightmare trying to get a seal with the bag. I went last week to the hospital to see my stoma nurse. She gave us four different things to try, and every single one only made my infection worse and spead bigger. It has only been four weeks, and I couldnt begin to tell you how bad the infecton is getting. So as each day I get stronger, my skin and infection around my stoma only gets bigger and so much worse. The pain is unbearable at times, and sometimes I don't know how i am going to make it another day. But still the days go by, and still it gets worse.

I could explain the pain as a continual burning of acid, but thats hard for you to imagine. So maybe this...imagine 3 or 4 fire ants sitting on your stomach and it feeling as if they are constantly eating away at your skin and there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to let them hang out there...eating away. Thats kinda what its like at all times, and then at times its so much worse! Like last night. At this point, I have a big open wound that ever day I am trying to clean and then after cleaning (which is so very painful) I try to put glue or sticky stuff on top of it to reattach the bag. This is where the problem is lying. It is almost like trying to use scotch tape on a wet surface. No matter what you do, its just not going to stick. We went through 3 good bags last night....on off on off on off. Finally with the fourth one we gave up. As I sat there and looked at it after many tears and so much frustration, I began to pretty much laugh. I could see and feel the output stream right down and under the seal we had worked so long and hard for. I looked up at a very tired husband and said, "what are we going to do?" Now, I am not typing this for sympathy....it actually feels good to write it out. To put what Im facing right now down on paper.

Maybe you are wondering what the doctors can do for me. That surely there is something that they can do! Honestly there isn't. Its just something I am going to have to deal with till I can have the thrird surgery which is the let-down. Yesturday I had my first post-op apt with my surgeon. He right away agreed with us that it is pretty bad and that he is willing to move the surgery up by a month. This means I will be having my third surgery in apx 4 more weeks. This sounds like good news, and I know it is, but all my mind is wrapped around is the 4 MORE weeks of this pain and misery that I am facing right now. I really dont know how much worse I can get, and how much more I can handle. The pain wears on me so much, and I am finding myself very down every day. I think that right here and right now I could call myself depressed. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up till its all overwith.

Im sorry that this update is all about hurt and pain. It is to you all, though, who I can tell the truth. I know I have so many people out there praying for me and rooting me on. It is those small things, the texts, the comments, the letting me know they are there and praying that really gets me through every day. I really appreciate it!

Ps. I really really do appreciate the comments, so keep them coming! :)