Tuesday, November 17, 2009

So Happy!

I recieved a call last night as I was busily trying to get supper ready for company. As soon as I answered it my heart went up into my throat. It was Dr. Graves. The deatailed testing for the Crohns that he ordered had been in the labs for over a week now, and we have been anxiously awaiting the results. "But why is he calling me", I thought immediately. Normally I would hear back from his personal nurse. He started by asking how I was doing, and some other filler questions. My mind was wrapped around just getting to the point of the call, and I knew what that was....the tests. He finally came out and told me that the final test shows that it is Ulcerative Colitis in the small intestine which is just the backwash ileitis which will heal itself in time. The tests were conclusive that Crohns was negative! Praise the Lord!! It was all I could do not to scream on the phone. He said that we will just proceed on as planned with the next surgery which will be the reconstruction. I go in just before Christmas on the 23rd, and we will then talk about scheduling the next surgery. It probably won't be till February or March, but I am just so very happy and thankful that it is certain that I don't have Crohns! I have to take the time to thank each and every one of you for your prayers for me. Know that they have not been in vain!

Now for a quick update of the past couple weeks. My strength has come back pretty much all the way. I am doing very well. I have had a few more problems with my ileostomy, and those times have not been fun! It has been very important to have a backup kit ready in the car, and has been very useful. I just recently made the first ostomy order, and hope that I can find something that works for me. All in time.... A couple weeks ago I woke up with what I thought were some bites on my neck. They hurt though instead of itching, and I kept getting more of them as the week went on. It turned out that I got a mild case of the shingles. I only have 8 pockets that are spread out along my right neck and shoulder. I got an antibiotic started to help with the pain, and also help them not to spread. I can't believe how painful just this small case of them is. It is sharp pain all the way to the bone! I am still fighting them to go away. It just takes time apparently. On Saturday David and I got our Christmas pictures done. I am proud of myself that I am on top of it this year! :) The picture below is a sample. My grandma left to go back home on Sunday. I couldn't begin to tell what a blessing it was to have her here and all her help! She will be missed!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends and family! Don't forget the Lord in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. He is the one who deserves our Thanks!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I grab my Bibile and purse, and head out the door on Wednesday night. I was meeting up with my family at Johnny Carinos for a nice dinner before church. The whole drive in I couldn't wait to see my wonderful husband, and give him a kiss. I just love their bread dipped in the olive oil, but made myself eat only a little, and started my meal with a sald.

That is when it happened. Right in the middle of dinner I started to feel a trickle run down my stomach and onto my leg. I looked over at my husband and said, "I need help...FAST!". I stood up and started to quickly make my way to the bathroom. David snatched my purse and followed behind me as I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in the stall. My skirt was the first thing to come off, then my shoes, and then my underwear. I just stood there for a while and looked down at myself. All I could do was start crying. I felt so extremely helpless it scared me. The plastic seam of my ileostomy had somehow torn, and....well, lets just say it was gross and I felt miserable! I had nothing but toilet paper to help me out. My mother-in-law got me one of the restaurants cloth napkins, and I cleaned up just enough to make a quick exit out the side door, and into the car David had pulled around for me. As soon as he closed my door I started sobbing....it was the worst feeling in the world! He drove very fast and crazy to get me to my moms house (the closest place) where I was able to get into the shower and clean off good. We had a back-up kit in the car with all the stuff to change my ileostomy, so it all worked out ok in the end. Even after I was cleaned up and ok I still found myself with tears running down my face. It was a terrible night, and one I hope to never repeat!

One Day at a Time...

I do remember in my last blog update that I promised a picture. Here is a recent one of me and my wonderful husband at a wedding we attended on the 24th of October....which also happened to be the day of his 26th birthday. He does look rather handsome if I do say so myself! :)

The past week and a half has went by in a kind of blurr. It has been a time of testing my strength, pushing myselff to do more than I probably would have just being at home. Overall, my efforts have been for the good. There were some days that I pushed myself a little too much, and paid for it the next, but in the case of doing it over I wouldn't change any of it. I was able to go to my second cousin's rehersal dinner, and wedding. It was so good to see and talk to everyone from my dads side of the family. At the time I was still quite weak, and didn't have much stamina to stand long or walk far. I refused at the beginning of the night to use the whealchair, but halfway through the night and only making it halfway down a long path I gave up. The rest of the night I stayed sitting down in the whealchair, and watching all the excitment go on all around me. I wanted so bad to just get up and be strong and healthy like so many there. It will definately be a night to remember, but it did take all my strength from me.

The very next day started our churchs' anual Mission's Conferrence. Growing up, this week was always one of the highlights of the year. As a teenager, and in college we were always right in the center of doing the decorating, being in singing groups and chiors, and helping with plays. For anyone, this week would put its tole on you, but it was always worth it. It was very hard for me this year not to be involved in anything that took place for the Missions Conference. Last Year we kept a wonderful family to Brazil in our home with us, and just fell in love with them and their field! I remember telling David way back in the summer to remember to talk to someone early about keeping another family at the Missions Conference for this year. Not only could we not keep anyone, but I couldn't take part in singing, much less attend every night. I pushed myself to go as much as I could, and only missed 2 nights. It is such a testimony to see so many families with their hearts wholy surrendered to God. The Lord really helped me to see how my life (albeit an unhealthy one) can affect so many others around me, and that through it all I can touch lives only I would every know. How true it is that I must keep strong in the Lord no matter how down I get at times. Down isn't really a very good adjective to use either. Throughout everything I've come through I have faced some pretty serious times of depression! There have been days and nights I lay weeping into my pillow....evenings full of pain and hurt both physically and emotionally. Down is just a nice way of saying that I struggle everyday with keeping my mind and heart set on the Lord, and that in the end there is a perpose in it all.

Last week I had my first post-op visit to my doctor. I didn't recieve the best news ever. He wants me to wait at least 6 months before I have my second surgery instead of the suspected 3 month wait. Along with that, he talked to me about the possibilities still that I might have Crohns. When I was in the hospital they did a tissue test to see whether or not I had the disease in my small intestine. It came back negative, and we've been thankful about that ever since. My doctor told me that he wasn't convinced with just that one test. He has had over 30 years plus of experience doing these surgeries, and he said that the way it looked and felt to him while he was in there just set a red alarm to him that it was Crohns. He has ordered more detailed testing to be done before he will be convinced of it, and give me the ok to go on to the next surgery. Please pray hard with me that the results remain negative. Keeping my ileostomy for life isn't something I want to have to get used to.

In just the past two weeks my strength has increased alot. I can feel my back and stomach muscles getting stronger everyday. I have been trying to stretch the muscles in my stomach, and fill my lungs full of air. Ever since the surgery, my lungs haven't been at full compacity. At first it was hard to breathe, and hard to talk. Slowly it has gotten better and better, but it still hurts to yawn deep and cough. The stretching has helped to open it all back up. My membership at 24HR fitness has been frozen, and we just unfroze it so I can start working out and getting all the muscles in my body strong and ready for surgery #2.

This past week I started having problems with my stoma. My stoma has been shrinking so the seal from the ileostomy hasn't been holding strong. Because of this all the skin around my stoma is very irritated and beginning to become infected. I have called my doctor, and will be going to see my stoma nurse soon. I hope she can help because it is very painful!

My thanks and love goes out to everyone of you!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Catching Up

I haven't been sleeping well at nights at all. In fact it is 3:14am right now, and here I am on the computer. Last night as I layed in bed unable to fall asleep I began to think about how far I've come in the past 3 1/2 weeks. I find that I am getting very impatient with how slow my recovery has been, reminiscing helped.

 I remember having to have 2 poeple help me into bed because I couldn't lift my legs up or scoot myself back....now I am getting in and out of bed with no help at all. I remember having to have help to make it to the bathroom every time and to sit down....now I can go and sit all by myself. I remember what a chore it was to take my first few showers having both moms do everything and wash me....now I can shower myself (with the help of a hand held nozzle and shower seat :) ). I remember how bad it hurt to simply talk those few days, or even laugh or sneeze or cough....now it isn't pain free, but very doable. I remember all the heavy pain meds I was getting around the clock....now I am almost cut completly off of the vicaden and subbing everything with Tylenol and Aleve. I remember what a chore walking the halls at the hospital were, and now I am able to walk around the house slowly without any help. I remember not being able to eat or keep anything down....now I am eating myself out of house and home! :) I could keep going on and on with every small thing that has improved in the past weeks of recovery. Thinking back on all these things helps me to see how far I have come. I am still FAR from being strong and where I want to be, but it is important to me that I not get down, or if I get down not to stay that way. The road ahead is still very long, and I have found it best to just take it one day at a time and not think into the future at starting over and over again.

I mentioned in my last blog update about my sister Stephanie's visit. She left her family in Pensylvania and flew down to be with me for a few days once I got home from the hospital. What an amazing time we had together! I cherished every minute. She is expecting her third baby in Novenmber, and it is finally a boy! We are all very excited to finally get a boy in the family. Us girls definately dominate! Steph was so good at helping me. She was here for the first home ostomy change. She helped David at changing the bag for the first time without help from the nurses. They both did awesome, and was so gentle. David had already been introduced to it all, but it was all very new to Steph and she handled it so good. She was there to help me shower. She helped cook and clean and grocerie shopped, and patiently put up my fall decorations. (putting up with my pickyness) :) I could list even more things about my grandmother being here to help me this whole time. David and I don't know what we would do without her!  I am very lucky to have a wonderful family!

Sometimes I sit and look down and just stare at my new friend that is now a permanent fixture on my stomach. I am still not used to it. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I now look like. I hate picturing how my husband sees me. I have a bag of poop hanging from my stomach.....how can he aver look at me and think that I am sexy again! I have many times apologized over and over at how I look, and how he has to sacrifice so much for my sake. I am so tired of it being about me already! Through it all he is there. So gentle and caring...so calm and that rock that I need. He is so wonderful to me, and I am very lucky! Back to my stoma, whom we started calling SID. (my Small Intestine Dilemma) :) SID can sometimes be very active at the wrong times. I have absolutely no control over him...he has his own mind. :) Sometimes he is very loud, and makes loud noises. It is very embarrassing! One of the times pastor was in the hospital visiting us it started making tons of noise. Gurgle gurgle gurgle...so loud, and all I could do is sit there and feel my face flush bright red. Another thing about it is that I can feel every output. It's a very wierd feeling. The bag gets in the way alot, and I am constantly aware of it. Any time I am out I feel like thats all anyone sees. My husband assures me it isn't that noticeable, but I don't believe him. :) All these things are still very new to me and will take some getting used to. How very thankful I am that this is not a permanent fixture in my life. How thankful I am that I do not have Crohns!!

Alot of poeple are asking what I can and can"t eat right now. For the first 2 weeks after surgery I was limited on some foods. Not anymore! :) I am actually eating alot! I am trying to get a good amount of protien at each meal. One of my doctors main concerns is that my protien levels get back up. I was very malnourished and anemic going into surgery. Part of the recovery requirments is for me to get all those numbers back up to normal. The doctor won't think about doing the next surgery till that happens. Water is another very inportant thing right now. I have to make sure to get alot of fluids down me so I don't get dehydrated. The job of my colon was to take the liquid out of the waste. It isn't there to do its job anymore, so I have to compensate for it by drinking lots. My grandma is very good at keeping my glass full and encouraging me to drink more. I gained 4 poulds the first week after I got home, and started getting worried I was going to gain a ton of weight. :) Don't know why, but I lost those four pounds and am staying at a steady weight of what I was before. I am eating alot, and getting stronger so I'm not gonna worry about it. It's just a number on a scale, right!

Day after day is passing by, and one of the hardest things for me is being cooped up. I get really antsy at seeing the same four walls. I also have to bum a ride off of everyone since I can't hop in the car and do what I need to do. I have been able to get out some, and am very thankful for each time! My imune system is still down, and so getting out at all is always a risk. I cannot afford to catch any sickness going around. I took up cross stitching to help pass the time. It is very time consumong, but I am enjoying it.

This past week my mom went up to Pensylvania to visit Steph and the girls. Katie was with us for the week. It was fun to have her here with us! She was able to come with me to church for the first time since my surgery on Sunday morning. It was so good to be there! You really don't realize how much you miss going to church till you can't go for weeks on end! I am continually reminded at how good god is! I have had a song stuck in my head..... "God's so good to give us so many blessings underserving thats what we are...we are to thank Him love and praise Him a little more today, a whole lot more tomorrow." A little song, but full of great truth!

In just these past few days I have been working hard at stengthening my core muscles back up. I am doing good at making it around the house without any help at all. I can't wait to be free from the walker that has helped me so much. The only thing is that my back is taking a tole from not having help. My low back muscles are very sore! Once again, its just about taking it one day at a time. Each day is different. I have my bad days, and better days. All in all I am doing good. One of my small incisions on the right side lost its stitches today. It looks really good, and is healing smoothly! We have a wedding to go to this weekend, and then starting Sundady is our churchs' Missions Conference. In my next blog I will post some pics on how I am looking these days post surgery. Friday will be four weeks already! Time really does fly!

I think this blog update will finally catch me up. Thank-you everyone for all the prayers for David and I! Please don't stop!! :) We are truely grateful!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Remainig Hospital Stay

It is Thursday morning at 2:30in the morning. David helps me get up to go to the bathroom (a major ordeal at this point) and believe it or not this was the first time since the surgery that I felt some strength. I asked David when I was done if he would take me on a walk down the halls. So there we were in the middle of the night walking the halls. That was the longest walk I had taken, almost 45 minutes long, and it felt very good! We got back to the room, and went back to bed very excited about the progress being made. Just a mere 3 hours later I woke up in a frenzy of body shakes. I was freezing cold. David piled blanket after blanket on top of me but still the shakes just got worse. For 45 minutes David and I did everything at all possible that we could do to help me. My jaw kept slamming down hard on my tongue, and my hands were shaking so fast I looked like I was having a seizure. David put warm hearts on me, was constantly rubbing my arms and thighs to try and calm me. It seemed nothing we did made any difference. This whole escapade was constant torture for me. Basically for a solid 45 minutes every muscle in my body was tensed up. I don’t think I need to explain how bad it hurt to have all the muscles in my abdomen area tense for 45 minutes. After about 30 minutes of getting nowhere David called the nurses in. Very soon I had 4-5 of them surrounding my bed. They were watching my heart rate and temperature rise very quickly. Once they started giving me oxygen I could slowly start feeling my body relax and the body shakes calm down slowly. My whole abdomen area ached, and I could strongly feel each one of my incisions. Basically what happened is that my body spiked from a normal 98 degrees to almost 104 degrees in those short 45 minutes of time. I had no control.

So here it is Thursday morning, and I feel almost worse than I did the first day after surgery. After the doctor saw me he told us they are worried about the possibility of phenomena. They worried about my lungs collapsing. Immediately David and my family were worried and begging me to get up and walk more and do the breathing machine more and eat more. I wanted too…how I did want to. I hated feeling so bad and being so weak. The doctor put me on even stronger pain meds from the night before, and it made me so drowsy and weak and tired. On top of that I couldn’t eat anything. I think I tried eating 3 times on Thursday, and threw up each time. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was three continuous days of high fever, nausea, and being so weak I could barely make to the bathroom and back to the bed. Disagreements of whether I was fighting hard enough or not those three days finally came to an end on Sunday morning when my fever broke, and I was able to ingest some applesauce without becoming sick. Those three days were full of emotions from one end to the other. All of the family was so worried about me getting worse. We were all so thankful once I started pulling through, and gaining some strength. Saturday night the doctor told me he would give me one more night, and if nothing changed they would start feeding me through IV. It had been 3 days and 3 nights since I had kept anything down. Praise the Lord that Sunday morning I took a turn for the better!

In those three days I had 2 CT scans done and 2 chest x-rays done. All the doctors could tell us is that I just developed some sort of infection, and it just had to run its course. What infection and where, they did not know. Sunday I started to eat very small portions of soft foods. It felt good to finally feel good! I was able to get up and walk 3 times that day. Monday was just another day of continued healing, and I was getting very anxious to get home!! After being in the hospital for 10 long days I went home on Monday afternoon.

Tuesday, just after I got home, my sister Stephanie flew down from Pennsylvania to be with me for a few days. Although it wasn’t for long, I cherished the time I had with her! Her and my little sister Katie took me in a wheel chair to Kohl’s to buy all new underwear. None of what I had was conducive to the larger incision that I have now. Steph also put up all my fall decorations around the house. This is my most favorite time of year. I just love all the colors and smells! She was very patient with me instructing her from the chair of what to put where. That’s what sisters are for, right! My grandma came down the Friday before I got out of the hospital.. She had anticipated I would already be home, and she wanted to be her for me when I got home. She came down here for the long hall. She doesn’t go back home till the middle of November! How wonderful it has been to have her here! She has just been awesome at taking care of me. She does very well at keeping lots of water done me constantly! That’s what I need. David asked me just the other day, “So…is grandma gonna come down for all of your surgeries?” :) He kept on talking about how he couldn’t imagine what the house would look like, or what kind of food we would be eating if he had to take care of it all. It is comical to think about, and I give him a hard time. The point in saying this is that we are very thankful and blessed to have grandma here with us to help!

My surgery was 3 weeks ago yesterday, and I am doing very well! I want to write one more blog update and tell in more detail how I am doing right now. Will try and finish that up in the next couple days. It feels like I got so far behind, and I just can’t get caught up.

One more quick thing I wanted to add. David and I have two praise reports to tell. First off, he got a job! It is not the “ideal” job that he may have wanted, but it is a job none the less, and we are very thankful!! Secondly, I was accepted into the Texas high risk pool insurance. No other insurance company would take me on, and this was our last resort. If you remember reading earlier in one of my blogs I told about the money the Lord provided to pay the first 3 months premium for this insurance. We had to pay that sum up front before we even knew whether or not I was accepted. Praise the Lord that I was!! What an answer to prayer, and a burden lifted that it was!

Well, that’s all for now. Thank-you for reading, and for each and every one of your prayers!! They are cherished!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

First days after surgery

Two weeks and ----- days since my last blog update. I am very sorry for the delay of my updates from my surgery. I don’t believe I will be able to write about everything from the past two weeks in one update, but I will start at the beginning.

September 25th…..it is 4:15 on this Friday morning and the alarm is beeping away. Today is the day of my first major surgery, and my nerves are on end! David and I are scheduled to be at the hospital for pre-op at 5:30am. The first thing that we did before we got out of bed was hold on to each other and pray. It was a special time for me to remember back on. Today was very scary for both me and him! Once we got to the hospital things moved along rather quickly. It seemed like I was ready and in a room waiting to go back in no time. My mom and Katie came up early that morning along with mom and dad Ronson to see and be with me. All the nurses kept commenting on how special it was to have so much support and family around…..and it was! I have to thank each and every one of you for your prayers on that day. I can honestly say that the Lord gave me extra special peace going into the surgery that morning. There is no way that I would have been so calm on my own! The Lord was definitely with me!

I woke up from surgery in a lot of pain. The nurse that was assigned to me during the recovery post-op was the sweetest lady….I am so thankful! Waking up from anesthesia is a funny thing.  At the time you don’t realize how out of it you still really are. The only thing that really brings you to any amount of thought is the pain. Your mind is constantly pulling that feeling to the front and foremost of your brain. My sweet nurse gave me this button and put it in my hand. She told me that whenever it hurts to push the button. Then I asked her, “How many times can I push it?” Her response should not have been “as much as you want”.  Seriously, I laid there at one point and pushed the button over and over and over….probably 20 times at least. And then a couple minutes later I’m pushing it over and over and over again. Once I told her, “the button isn’t working”. She just laughed.  My time in the recovery post-op was supposed to be only 1-2 hrs. I ended up being in there for almost 5! Try and think about David during this time. The 4 hr surgery is done, and the doctor tells him he can see me soon after my short time in the post-op. Him and the whole family waited anxiously all afternoon for me to get out. In the post-op recovery they ran six big bags of fluid in me very quickly, and my body wasn’t putting any of it back out. After a very long afternoon for both me and the family I got wheeled to my room at 5:30 pm that night. David was so happy and relieved to see me!

Below is a before and after picture of my belly. At one of my pre-op visits they marked me where they would place the stoma. That is the blue mark on me in the first picture. The second one if you look closely you can see all six of the incision sites.

I can honestly say that the incisions are the very least of the pain that I felt. Although they may look bad, the amount of work that they did on the inside far exceeds these small cuts. The colon (which is the large intestine) had to be cut completely free from everything and removed from the body. In turn the small intestine and everything around it has new “neighbors” and has to be reattached to abdominal walls. Basically, my point is that the work done on the inside was very intense, and you feel it! It is 90% of the pain, and very painful!

Saturday was a hard day for me. It was the day I realized how out of it I was. I honestly wasn’t prepared mentally for how bad of shape I would be in. It was hard for me to even look at myself and how bad I looked. I was immediately depressed about my self image. I felt like I would never be normal again. It is over 2 weeks later now, and I can still honestly say that I still struggle quite a bit with my self image. I secretly hate my stoma and ileostomy and can’t wait for the day it is gone! I do know that these things are just something I have to live with and deal with for now, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, does it? Ok, so on top of all this the doctor came in and told David and I that he thought that the last 8 inches of my small intestine had the disease called Crohns in it. This news hit David and I very hard! We wouldn’t be able to get the results for a few more days. The news of that possibility was very hard on both of us! I couldn’t at that moment even think of the many things we would have to deal with if the results came back positive. My husband (though he probably wouldn’t admit it) was such a strong support to me every single day! I praise the Lord for him!! It was this night, just one day after the surgery that I started feeling all the anxiety that I thought I should have felt going into the surgery. I don’t think that David or I slept all night that night. I felt an overwhelming sense that that night was going to be my last. It was so very real to me at the time and in that moment that I didn’t want to even close my eyes I was so scared. We tried calling pastor to talk to him but couldn’t get through. We talked to dad Ronson on speaker probably for 30 minutes. David read to me from the Bible chapter after chapter, and we prayed together over and over. I talked to my mom for a while, but no peace. I felt so scared and without any peace at all. David was wonderful, and did everything he could do. Finally we called our used to be youth pastor at 1 in the morning, and he talked to us for almost an hour on speaker. It did help a little by the end of the conversation. He told David to get in the bed with me and wrap his arms around me. That did help me to feel safe, and I dosed off and on for a couple hours. That night seemed to go on forever, and I couldn’t wait till the morning.

Sunday was just another day. Lots of pain, but nothing out of the ordinary. According to the doctors I was progressing well. We still awaited the news about the Crohns. This waiting was a huge burden on us each day we waited. Today was the day of my first shower after the surgery. My mom and mother-in-law were there to do that very hard job. They were wonderful, and took care of me very well. I can’t emphasize enough how helpless I was. I felt like I couldn’t do anything for myself. I guess really I didn’t realize how much you use all of your core muscles, and without them…..its just hard to do anything. I was soon a big fan of all those wonderful pain meds they were pumping in me! Rachael, my sister-in-law spent the night with me tonight. This night I was having a lot of the same feelings of being scared and anxious like the night before. It was nice to have a girlfriend there to talk to. Rachael started reading to me from the Bible too. She just read a lot of the Psalms and Proverbs, and a lot of the promises of the Lord. She was reading in Proverbs 3, and read this set of verses that spoke to me, and I claimed them, and I had her read them over and over. It was Proverbs 3:23-26a “Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the Lord shall be thy confidence,….”

Monday and Tuesday were uneventful days. Each day anxiously awaiting the news about having Crohns. Each day I received so much support from family and friends! My room was filled with flowers, and cards from people who loves and cares so much about me. On top of it all I slowly started crashing emotionally. 

On Wednesday I finally lost it, and after a sting of events I finally broke down. I cried, no I should say I wept out loud to David for a good 15 minutes, and then to my mom for just as long again. It did feel good to just get it out. It was kinda funny that in the middle of this breakdown I was having the doctor comes to inform us that the results for the Crohns was negative. Praise the Lord!! Everything was in such a tizzy I couldn’t even be as happy as I wanted to be.  Ok, yes, I am a girl! Oh, may I also mention that right then in the middle of all this pastor shows up too. David leans his head in and tells me, and I just started shaking my head and crying more. In my head I almost wanted to laugh how everything was happening all at once, and also how out of control I was….!

I will have to say these first few days after surgery were hard in many different ways, and I am very glad to have them done and over with. The Lord is very good, and he was with us every step of the way. Thank-you to every one of you for your prayers for David and I during this time! The Lord was with us. We are very grateful!

More on the rest of my hospital stay in a little bit. Sorry it has taken so long to update you all.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Seeing God's Hand

It has been so amazing to watch the Lord work and show His hand in the middle of these times. I have mentioned before about all of the donations and money that has been given to us recently. We just started putting everything into a savings account for when we needed it. I applied for and got turned down for personal insurance. We are now in the process of applying for insurance through a state run high risk pool of insurance. There is ALOT of papework and and things to get ready and send in. Along with it all we had to send in the premium for the first 3 months of the insurance payments. David got the total back that it would be, and it was the very exact ammount that was in the savings account!! It was a need the Lord knew we needed before we even needed it. David came to me and said, "Babe, I think I know why the Lord gave us that money...." We are both just in awe as we watch the Lord's hand in our lives right now. Maybe it wasn't the Lord's desire for me to be complete healed form this disease, but He has shown Himself faithful every step of the way!!

I am so blessed to have so many friends who care so much about me. I couldn't begin to write everything that everyone has done for me. I know of many different churches, and poeple all over the world who are praying for us. People who don't know David and I at all, and yet care so very much! I cherish every single one of your prayers!

I wanted to write and let everyone know in specific how you could pray for me tomorrow during surgery. Yesturday I had all my different pre-op appointments with the surgeon and at the hospital. My surgeon told me that this series of surgeries could be done in a 2-step process instead of the 3-step process which he anticipates I will overgo. He said that there is a chance that tomorrow during the surgery if everything is going just perfectly smooth, and if my anemia counts and malnourishment counts are at a desent level he might just go ahead and proceed on with the second surgery. He wouldn't make this decision until in the middle of surgery, and his decision would be based on how things are going. He told me not to get my hopes up, but that it was a possibility. Well, its too late... :) My hopes are up, and very high! :) I am hoping and praying that He could do the first 2 surgeries all at once. It would cut off another major surgery, and a good 3-4 months of recovery time. Please pray with us tomorrow that this will be the case. Pray that the Lords hand will be on me, and the surgeons. The surgeon also told us that in such a detailed surgery as this that the chances of some sort of complication is very high...50/50. There are so many things that could go wrong. Yes, I am VERY nervous, but I can tell that so many peolple are praying. I feel a peace going in to this, and I thank the Lord for it!!

God is so good to me! I have so much to be thankful for!

Very quickly I wanted to tell everyone reading that I will be posting some belly pictures from before and after my surgery. I have found so much help from different people who have gone through the same thing I am facing on a website called j-pouchlife.com. They have been kind enough to post a link to my blog on their website so that maybe my journey through this could be a help and encouragment to someone else facing this as well. Others on that website have been couragous enough to show "real" pictures from thier surgeries, and it helped me so much to prepare for this. If I can be of any help to others out there, that would make me very happy. Basically this is a warning to anyone who reads this that the next few blog updates will have some not so pretty pictures in them. Sorry if it affends anyone, but please think of it as strictly medical because that is what it is.

Thanks again to everyone for your prayers for me tomorrow!! Will update on Saturday if I am able.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Our Trip

Do you see the rays of sun shining through the clouds behind me? It was so beautiful, and just a picture to me of God's greatness!! David and I got out together one evening, and went down to the peir for a walk out on the water. The weather was so beautiful, and it was so nice to be together! I am so thankful to have such a patient husband! The peir is very long, a good 5 minute walk out to the end! The closest bathroom is at the front, and for me, thats a bit of a problem. Two times we started our walk, got about 1/4 of the way down and I stop and turn around and start running back to the bathroom. Finally after 3 tries, we made it the the end of the peir. Mmm, dreams of days like these to be over are so exciting to think about!! Things like taking a long walk, and camping, and bike riding....only to name a few are things that havn't even been an option for me to do for so long now. Anyways, I am very thankful for my husband and how supportive patient and wonderful he is to me! Our walk on the peir was fun!! :)

I love the water!! I have always loved swimming, and it was the one thing growing up that I was good at! :) When David and I ever get away, it seems to always be around water. We love it! Below, you can see us in the ocean (very small) but we are there. It is so pretty and fun and relaxing all at the same time! We both got a little too much sun though. We are peeling like crazy already!

This next picture is one of my favorites from the trip. Right before we left we got a quick shot outside the condos. Our trip was amazing, and we are so very thankful for it! I know in a couple weeks I will look at these, and only wish I could be playing in the ocean... :) I am looking further though, to the end product, and then I will look at these and think of how bad I really felt during this time.

I don't want to take away from any of the glory from our wonderful trip above. Just real quickly I want you to try and imagine with me. Imagine running in haste to the toilet at least 2-3 times every hour. Imagine every time you are running an incredible amount of pain swelling throughout your entire body. Imagine sitting on the toilet in so much pain it makes your head spin in circles, and you seeing black spots, and just wanting to vommit all over the floor in front of you if it could help take the incredible pain away. Image once more wiping, and seeing large blood clots, then looking into the toilet and just seeing red. Imagine this over and over happening to you all day long, and then all night long, and then all day long the next day.

This has been my experience.....the story of my life....as I sometimes say. Friday and Saturday were a couple very bad days for me. I lost a very large ammount of blood altogether, and by the end of it started feeling very week and lightheaded. Days like that only make me so very happy of the upcoming surgery on Friday! On Friday I went to Kohls to pick something up for my mom. I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom. I called her at one point, and just started crying, "Mom, I don't know what to do". My poor mother was at work and obviously couldn't do anything for me, she didn't really have much to say to me except that she thought that I have made the right choice! I think so too!!

Only 5 more days till this old diseased colon will be out of me, and Lord willing I will be on the road to recovery, and a much healthier life! We are celebrating my nephews 1st birthday tomorrow, and it makes me so very sad! Him and JoLynn would have only been a couple weeks apart, and so close of friends. My heart continually aches for her, and for the hope that one day we can have another baby to cherish. Why does it always seem that somehow I end up summing my entries up with feelings and dreams of JoLynn? I guess the answer would be because that is where my true hearts desire lies. I am tired of it being about me and my health...I am ready to be normal once again!

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Pound...pound...pound was all I could feel against my chest as my husband grabbed my hand and started leading my towards the stage. It is Sunday night right after the invitation at church. I look up at my pastor and his eyes are filled with tears and he is all choked up. Not one word was said as David and I took a seat on the platform with 5 men of God surrounding us. Pastor took a vile of oil and poured just a small amount on top of my head. Next thing I know Pastor Bob's hand laid on my head and he started praying...pleading with God to do a miracle in my body. Two separate missionaries took there turn praying over me and David. I stayed clenched to David's hand as hard as I could so as not to burst out weaping. A steady stream of tears flowed down my cheaks. Bro. Gear's turn to pray over me, and then lastly pastor. I could hear his heart just broke. He was begging with God to do a miracle in our lives. I felt so small, and so weak. I prayed too, just thanking God for being our strength and our hope.

It was over. My eyes were burning, and I couldn't stop crying. I walked off the stage fast and headed right to the bathroom. I thought that from crying my mascara was getting into my eyes. they were burning so bad. Come to find out that a small stream of the oil had made its way down my forehead and was running into my eye. With a litttle saline rinse, and some cold water that little drama past. :) A little funny to look back on.

I don't think that I can express into words the amazing feeling it was to be surrounded by the prayers of great men of God. I felt so unworthy, but yet they were praying for me! God is so good....and I am so blessed!! We continue to pray for a miracle in my body. We pray for a miracle in a job situation for David. We pray for a miracle for us to have another baby, maybe not right now, but someday. It is a hope and longing that will never decrease or go away. The Lord is good, and continues His blessings toward us! We are truely grateful!

The surgery is just a mere 2 weeks from today, and nerves are setting in. We get to get away for 3 nights together next week down in Padre. I am very excited, and am looking forward to a special time together. I think that husband needs this more than I do. He is so good to me when I am sick. Even though he wouldn't admit it, he gets very cooped up. Not having a job definately adds to this alot! So, some time with him and a fishing pole will do him worlds of good!! :) I love the water! The beach in the off season is so peaceful, and relaxing. Thats what I'm most looking forward too!

Each day that passes, and I spend time after time on the toilet in pain. Each night that I lay in bed so tired and yet not able to sleep, then when asleep wake up over and over stumbling to the bathroom. These weary days and nights make me very glad that I am doing the surgery now. I am very glad that I won't have to deal with this for the next 6 months and then decide to do surgery. I am so glad that these weary days and nights, where it seams like I can't get anything done without getting tired, are soon to be over! I Praise the Lord for His goodness and mercies to us!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


My cup is full! This blog update is to give glory to my Lord, and give thanks and praise to the untold poeple who have given so much!
II Corinthians 4:16-17 "For the which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."
I could write out promise after promise the Lord has given us. How needy we are of the Lords' promises each day! "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart...." We know the verse all too well. It isn't till you cling to these simple verses that we've known all our lives till you see the full meaning of them! "....lean not to thine own understanding." How hard this part is to actually do! Our minds are so small, and we understand so little. I think that is why the Lord put lean. :) I don't think we will ever come to the place where we understand the Lord's plan fully. "In all thy ways acknowledge him..." The key word here is "all". Wow, this is where we are at right now! In every aspect of our lives right now we have totally given over to the Lord, and put it in His hands to control. The next part is the promise He gives us. "...and he will direct your paths." Its scary at times, but knowing that the Lord is in control makes all the difference!
Ok, so I will stop with the Bible study, and get on with telling you all the amazing things that the Lord is doing for David and I :) My Uncle Hobie and Aunt Connie sent us a check in the mail the other day for $500! It was so unexpected and jaw dropping, I just started crying! I will tell you all quick that David is in the process of getting temporary personal insurance for me. The cost of this will be through the roof, but very much needed till he can secure down another job. Also, his unemployment runs out next month. We are putting all the funds that we get into a savings account for security on our house and the insurance. I want to explain this so you understand why I believe the Lord is providing in so many unreal ways! Someone told me the other day something that really made me think. They said, "Jessica, maybe the Lord knew David needed to be with you during this time, and He wants to provide for you in other ways" This really made me think, and be thank-ful for David being able to be with me! Ok, so I clean for 2 ladies. They are both sweethearts! Patty is one of them. She called me the other day and told me that her and Deatett (the other lady I clean for) both want to help me in some way. Patty works with Arbonne and wants to do a fundraiser for me to raise some money. Don't know alot about it, but I do know it had to do with selling a hand cream. She is talking all about it with my mom, and trying to get others to help. So Amazing! She also has another lady friend (who I don't know) who does some sort of community-help type meetings every month, and Patty was telling her about David and I and she wants to do her meeting this month about me. I was speechless, and didn't know what to say. These meetings also raise money for the person that they are trying to help! Amazing too, huh! My mom was talking to her boss about the fundraiser, and telling her about it. Her boss then mentions it to the owner of the largest complex they manage, and starts telling them about us. This owner, who doesn't know David or I at all, donated $500 to us right there on the spot! WOW!! Can you believe this! I know that this is just the begining of the Lord providing for David and I. Just today at church and unknown person gave Josh, my brother-in-law, a check for $800 to cover our morgadge for next month! The verse at the top is so true to us when it says that the inward man is renewed day by day! Praise the Lord for His goodness to us!! We are so unworthy! I thought it would be nice for you all who are praying so hard for David and I to know that the Lord is providing, and watching out for us! We are so very thankful!! Please don't stop praying for us, we love you all!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Its Time

So I had another appointment with the surgeon today. I had several more serious questions to ask him, and to also talk to him about my general state of health as of right now. With much thought from both David and I, and with a recommended go ahead from the surgeon we decided to schedule the surgery for sooner rather than later. We decided it is better to do it now because my health is already so low. I don't really want to see where I will be in 3-6 months with my health just going downhill. The surgeon says that the more sick you are going into surgery the more time in recovery it will be. From beginning to end of the 3 surgeries is going to be at the very minimum 9 months, but more likely a year. I am not getting any younger, and am just ready to be healthy again. It will never be like it was before, and I understand that, but what I know is that this will remove this terrible disease from my body. I will be able to get stronger, and have a much more normal life than what I am dealing with right now on a day to day basis. Then maybe, just maybe the Lord will give David and I what we have been praying for for so long now, another precious child of our own. One we can actually keep, and raise to grow up and serve the Lord.
So, here it is. I am scheduled for the first major surgery September 25th at 7:30 in the morning. It will be at St. David's on 35. I am a sea of mixed emotions and feelings. I am nervous and scared, but curious and excited at the new life ahead of me. Pray for me......Pray for David....he needs a job more than anything right now. Love you all!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Visit with surgeon

I am finally getting around to updating this from my visit to the surgeons last week. Sorry it's taken me so long. I want to include in this update a few of the blessings that the Lord has showered on us during this time. The surgeon really didn't have much new news to share with us. My mom and husband both went with me to hear everything he had to say, and ask lots of questions.
His name is Dr. Graves (not the best last name for a surgeon :) ). He is a very serious, lay-it-out flat like it is type of man. He explained to us that a major surgery like this gets the best results when split up into 3 smaller surgeries. This process however takes a good part of a year, anywhere from 9-12 months. Each surgery is still major, and will take many weeks each time to recover from. The first one would be the complete removal of my colon and rectum, and putting in place of an ileostomy. Essentially, this would be removing the disease from my body. An ileostomy is an outside bag (if everyone can understand that). This is kinda embarrassing for me. Dr. Graves will want to see not only me recover well from this first one, but also my general health to be improved before they go in to start surgery #2. The second surgery is reconstructive surgery. This is where they will actually take the end part of the small intestine, and shape it into a "J" shaped bag that will later act as my new colon, and then they will attach that to the rectum. Sew me back up and let that heal. Once that is all healed, they can go in for the third and final surgery. Here they will take off the ileostomy (Yeah!!) and redirect my bowels to run through the new "colon" and out like a normal person.
I'm sorry if this gets a little detailed and gross for some of you. :) It is what it is, and I am trying to explain it in the nicest way I can. This news of 3 surgerys that would take close to a year to complete was a surprise to me. I wasn't really expecting to be down and out for so long, and believe me I am not looking forward to having an ileostomy for that long either. The dr. said that I have definately been dealing with this for long enough, and have exhausted all the medical options out there, and that I am a perfect case for surgery. He didn't say however that I need to get the surgery done right away, and that he will leave the choice of when I get it up to me. He would not want to push something as serious as this on anyone unless it was life theatening.
After talking to us for a while he had my guests leave, and did a very invasive exam on me. He found out very quickly how inflamed and sensetive I was, and that I was not too prideful to let him hear how painful it was for me! It is a good mom who has a good strong vicaden to give me after something like that! :) I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother who cares for me so much! She is so bad, she puts so much stress on her own body worrying about me so much. I love her, and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world! David's family as well has done so much for us....I am very lucky to have married into such a wonderful family!
Last Sunday David came home with 2 very large fruit baskets from our church family! These things were huge, and full of all kinds of snacks and fruits, and drinks. We will eat for a year from them! :) Something that we treasured even more was the large stack of cards from the church family. We sat down and opened card after card. There was money and gift cards to all kinds of practical places like H-E-B, Walmart, Target, ad more! So many poeple who cared so much, and took the time to write us and tell us that they are praying. One card I was reading out loud said, "may the Lord give you a scripture or a hymn during these difficult moments, and may He sprinkle blessings around you reminding you how much He loves you, and how very near He is". I could barely finish reading it, and I was balling! I looked up at David and then down at everything and said with tears in my voice, "babe, look, He is here.... He is watching over us!" Sometimes in the midst of it all we get caught up in the stress and pain, and in each other or even ourselves and we loose sight of God. Almost as if we go blind. It has been almost impossible to lately with so many church family and friends and family there calling and texting letting us know that they are there to help. It is such an encouragment to have such good friends and family! We love you all!
I will say quickly that David and I are praying and talking seriously about starting the surgery sooner rather than later. My overall health has just dropped down to a lower level, and I don't think that there is any coming back from it. I am in constant pain, and not sleeping much. I don't really want to live on 6+ presciptions for the next 6 months while my health keeps going downhill. We want to make the right decision, and are spending much time thinking and praying about this option. I will ask for you to pray with us about this. We will be talking more to the surgeon this next week, and flooding him with even more questions. If and when we set anything in stone I will post an update. Thank-you all for the prayers!

Friday, August 21, 2009

hospital visit

Well I lied :) I said that the next time I would update would be after my appointment with the surgeon. I did not know when I wrote the last update that I would be spending 3 days in the hospital. I will quickly tell how I got here, and what has happened since Ive been here.

Ya'll do know that since the colonoscopy procedure I havent been doing the best. Each day after the procedure I was able to eat less and less, and each day I got sicker and sicker. By monday and tuesday, food was pretty much not appetizing, and the pain was just getting more severe! I had a bout of vomiting that lasted for about 5 minutes solid, I knew I couldn't let myself keep getting worse. I then called my Dr. on Wednesday morning, and he highly suggested that I came in to the hospital. He called in before me to make it easier to get through the ER.

Once I made it back to the ER room, they immediately started me on a bag of IV fluid, and pushed some heavy narcotic pain med and nausia med through. Whew! That stuff hit me in less than 60 seconds, and I felt for a few minutes like I couldn't breath, or hear anything. I started just crying and crying.....I rolled over on my side, and fell right asleep. It was amazing the instant relief I felt from it. It was almost as if everything in my whole stomach area was able to release from a strong hold it had had on me for so long, and I could relax and breath. Made me instantly glad I had gone in! They told me later I was very dehydrated and malnourished, and would be admitted. It was a blessing that they got me into a room so quickly! Only had to be down in the ER for about 3 hrs. Once in my room they were running all kinds of stuff into my veins......Heavy pain meds, iv steroids, potassium, anti-biotics, and lots of fluids! The first night was so much better when it came to pain. The nurse came in though at 3 a.m. and took my blood pressure which was at a very low 58/37! They did as much as they could to get it up into the low 70's, and then waited til morning. In the morning they took some blood, and found out that my anemia was really low as well! It was running around an 8 instead of the normal 14. They then decided to give me a blood transfusion. Took most of the day to run in the 2 units of blood. I almost immediately started to get color and feel lots better! My little sister Katie was with me the whole day on Wednesday so David was able to get out for the afternoon and go take a shower and catch a nap since the recliner in the room did not tend him much sleep. I found out last night night that I am still in quite a bit of pain but have been numb to it since they have had me on a rotation of vicaden and morphene every 4 hrs. I tried going last night without any and paid for it. I gave in early this morn and went ahead and took some. So many friends and family have come to see me and let me know of there on going prayers. What a blessing!! We haven't had to worry about any meal either because there has been someone there each time ready and willing to bring us anything we could want or need!

David and I are very glad that we made the decision to obey the Dr. and come in. I don't know how much worse I would have kept getting if I would have just stayed home.

Still here right now, but just got the confirmation that I get to go home later. Thank-you everyone for your prayers!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

So Sick.....

I set this blog up simply for my health updates. As of now, what will go on here will most likely not be good or exciting news. I cherish each of your prayers, and each of you that take the time to read about the battles I am facing.

This past week since the colonoscopy has been one of my worst weeks. The Dr did say that it was inevitable that my colon would be bother by the procedure. While in there the camera is just bunping against the bleeding ulcers. It has nevertheless caused intense pain for me ever since! In 5 days I have lost 8 lbs. The pain has been so bad it causes me to be so nausious, and therefore making food unappetizing. I do try and eat what I can, but fight it staying down. Last night I think was one of the most painful nights of my life! Could not rest because the pain was so severe. At one point, I was sitting on the toilet moaning out from the pain, and almost passed out....instantly from the tips of my toes to the top of my head I broke out into cold sweats, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I say all this to explain how down-hill I've gone in just a few days.

Yesturday the Dr called me and wanted to see me right away. Instantly David and I were worried. Dr's don't call you in to tell you good news. We started expecting the worst, so that way anything we heard that wasn't that bad would be good news. It worked to. :). We went in half way expecting the biopsies to have traces of cancer, and what we heard was not even close. My Dr. is just guenuinely concerned about me. He wants me to go see a rectal surgeon right away. He said that dr's like to drag their feet when it comes to surgery because they dont like to see their patients get cut. He said that he keeps reviewing my file and is just very concerned with how bad it is. He wants a surgeon to make the decision of whether we should give it more time or not. And he wants me to go now, in a few days if possible and is gonna help me get in. The next update on here will be after the apt with the surgeon.

David and I were able to go to lunch with pastor and share with him our stuggles.We are so lucky to have such a good pastor who loves and cares for us! He wants to take the time tommorrow during church to poor oil and pray over me. I am not worthy, but more than grateful! I want to say again thank-you all who are reading and keeping me and David in your prayers!!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

2nd Colonoscopy Result

Everyones heard of the saying "When it rains it poors". The problem is that I know what this means a little too much. I feel as if it hasn't stopped raining in a very long time! Sure, some days its only a drizzle, and yes there has been a few sunny days. Pretty much thought I'm living in Washington state.
I forgot completely about my prcedure yesturday. I get a call the day before (its a good thing), and she's reminding me about the day of prep that I need to do. Great, so now instead of getting up and going shopping all day, I get to go to the store pay $45 for nasty liquid stuff to clean out my colon. So, I eat nothing and drink this fluid constantly all day. The pain it caused my intesines was unreal!
Wednesday, the day of, August 12th. We wake up at 5 in the morning since I have to be there at 6:30. I felt like since they were doing a colonoscopy I should shower in the morning and be as clean as I could for my doctor......if you know what I mean! :) Get there, get prepped and ready. Ok, so this is the funny part!! They weel me back into the procedure room, and start getting me ready. My doctor comes in, and tells me he's ready to go. The nurse pumps my IV with the "sleeping" med. A couple minutes later I'm still laying there talking to her. SHe asking me all kinds of ?'s about myself. The doc comes over to me and asks, "how are you doing?". I simply reply, "I'm fine". He smiles, and says, "you shouldn't be talking to us right now". :) :) It was kind of a funny moment. That was until the other (guy) nurse starts pulling up my gown and exposing me! I'm like....hello! Im not asleep yet! :) The doctor had to call an anesthesiologist in and dose me up with something alot heavier. Pretty funny! I was pleased with how I woke up. Last procedure I woke up to so much pain I can just barely remember reaching over the bed and grabbing the nurses near me yelling at them "It hurts! It hurts!" This time was not even half as bad.
The bad news came when the doctor came in after with a very discouraged look on his face. He looked at both of us and shook his head and said, "It doesn't look good in there". He said sometimes symptoms will be worse than what inside actually is, and he was hoping for that for my sake. He told me I believe you are very sick, I know you live in pain.....I just saw it. The next thing he said crushed me. "I think we need to start looking at the possibility of total colon removal". He then proceded to give me the names and numbers of 3 different surgeons who specialize in that field. I will explain now why in such a short 5 years it has come down to this. First of all, UC (ulcerative colitis) in most poeple only inhabits part of their colon. Only a certain part would be affected by this disease. And second of all, UC is known to have "flare-ups". this is a period of time where that certain part starts having problems becoming inflamed and bleeding with ulcers. These "flare-ups tend to last the for the average UC patient 1-3 months. Ok, so my colon for over 5 years now has been in a constant "flare-up", and not only to mention that it covers the whole thing from the rectum to the small intesine. The UC has now begun into the small intestine as well. One more thing the doctor told me. WHen you have UC completely covered throughout the whole colon, the chances of colon cancer more than doubles. Not only that, each year that it stays that way the chances of the cancer spikes. So pretty much My chances of colon cancer are super sky high!
Basically, I came away from yesturday finding out that I am holding a 2-sided coin. On one side, my colon is removed, taken out....forever. And on the other, cancer awaiting me.
Still haven't mentioned the fact that I lose my medical insurane in only 1 1/2 short months. My husband is on the brink of tears everyday . He has started losing hope. He is lacking the one thing that a man needs. The ability to provide for a family.
We need help. "Lord, its enough. We can't handle anymore! Please we beg you....we're on our hands and knees. We need a light on this very dark path!" Our prayers seem not to be answered, and why we ask over and over. Still praying for a bleesing to rain out of heaven. We need it....and soon!
Lastly, but not least. I will never stop the plead and prayer to God for another child of our own. For over 2 1/2 years now that has been our plee, and why the Lord won't give it to us is beyond comprehention.
I read back though this and can tell I am writing this in a depressed mode. I can't seem to shake it for the past few days. I won't change anything though, because this is real. This is my heart!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

1st blog :)

Ok, so this is my first time here on blogspot. Im just tryin out all these features. Later I want to start writing updates on my health and whats goin on with me.